My rampant text life
I’ve been trying to throw things out this weekend, but I’m clinically sentimental and find it really hard. For example, I still have every phone handset I’ve ever owned. The reason I keep them is that they’re full of memories, text messages I’ve received and sent. I hardly ever send texts anymore, thanks to instant messaging, Facebook and the arduousness of typing on a touchscreen keyboard. Plus, the ones I do send are boring and practical.
But, text messages used to be great. It was perfect for guys who tend not to want to phone their friends, but still want to keep in touch. And we kept in touch with jokes and quotes and banter. It was all a pre-cursor to Facebook statuses and Twitter, but text messages meant more, because each one cost you. Facebookers can churn out reams of mindless nonsense, but you only ever sent a text message that was worth sending, that was worth spending 10p on. People used to spend time over them, crafting something that was funny and would fit into 160 characters. And, they were personal, hence why I think they’re worth keeping.
This is probably of little interest to anyone (but, hey you’re reading a blog, what do you expect?), but I wanted to post it for posterity. The phones are so old I couldn’t transfer the messages off them, so I’ve typed up the ones I wanted to keep. Remember when phones were so shit you’d have to constantly delete old messages to free up space and you’d always keep the ones you liked? These are those messages that survived the life of the phone.
These messages come from an LG phone which I initially had in 2005 whilst at Uni, then was forced to start using again in 2007 when I moved to London, when another phone broke. It also, significantly, has the first text messages of my relationship with Serena, which I will spare you from, but which I’m glad I kept.
Me: Your liberalism towards drugs is reflected in your liberalism towards salt. Which is also said to enhance the flavour of things. Only, in a more literal sense.
Phil: Watch out Phil, the salt police are coming! And they’re accompanied by the actual police!
Edd: At least I wasn’t just giving one of the lads at work some banter about his dad sucking him off then found out his dad died last month. Good one.
Edd: Charlie Brooker’s got a bloody colom (great spelling). I’m reading it now. Great reading.
Edd: I think I’m startin 2 come around 2 girls texting LOL. Am I fuck. Their idiots. One girl sent it to mean lots of love. I mean come on. That is shit.
One of the most important uses of text messaging, comedy quotes:
Me: I gave terminally ill kids karaoke machines, when, in fact, i would have been justified in simply lending them.
Edd: U can kill an otter in about a second. Just kick its face off.
Phil: If I get this show I’l buy you a hundred George Michaels that you can teach to drive
Edd: If you want to be a big cop in a small town fuck off to the model village
Phil: Just held United to Nil Nil at Old Trafford. They call that a two point draw in North London…which is inaccurate but well-meant
Me and Phil used to send each other messages in the form of newspaper reviews, this is the only remaining example:
Phil: Classic retort. A quality text from start to finish! Top notch! - the guardian.
Edd: McManaman plays Rutger Hauer’s Assistant Manager. Unbelievable.
Serena: I’m confused as to whether I’m on a bus or a sauna with wheels…X (The No.25 bus, we caught when we lived in Whitechapel)
Back when I was doing Famous Jon, I text to Any Question Answered asking them if they’d heard of me. They had. Kind of:
AQA: Famous Jon is Jon Purkis, a man who wants to be famous just for being known. He belongs to Kent Student union and his website says to come back in January.
This simple message has great memories for me, because it was after the first Famous Jon night:
Edd: Take my coat home. Your bloody famous.
Edd: I am watching save the last dance 2. Its dog shit. Straight to video classic. They do a hip hop theory class at this art school. Yeah, and I’m Chaka Demus & Pliers.
Edd: This is not a drill. I’m at God’s fucking kitchen in birmingham and it is gash as fuck. Its the shittest place I’ve ever been. Its wank. Open till 4. Great.
Edd: Taribo west’s gone to Plymouth. Champions league, olympic + african nations winning defender. U get darren powell. He couldn’t win a raffle.
Edd: How about the faders try to be a bit more like josie and the puppycats? 2 white girls and what can only be described as a ‘black’ ‘girl’. But there ‘gash’.
Edd: I would hit ‘that’. If ‘that’ was the ginger lead singers face & i was holdin the ugly stick. Wore famous jon t-shirt in glos today. They loved it. Oh yeah.
Edd: NEWS FLASH: Bristol based club Queen Square Wednesday have been alerted to the release of long time transfer target Christian “fat but good” Vieri. Facing stiff competition from Chelsea and Spurs, Vieri’s special bond with coach and stalwart full back/winger Edd Layton may hold the key. “He’s my favourite player. Ever! He’s fat and he’s good. What more do you want.” said Layton at a recent press conference. A stumbling block could be Vieri’s wages. Inter paid the Italian international £100,000 a week, Q.S.W. have offered half price drinks at the Elbow Rooms and a Famous Jon t-shirt and badge.
